yesterday, Elan called using an unknown number. perhaps he realised I wouldn't have answered the phone if I knew it was him who was calling.

Elan: hey Dela! it's been so hard to contact you nowadays. are you okay?

Me: erm yeah, I'm fine. just that I've been very busy with school and stuff.

Elan: oh. but you're only schooling for two days per week right?

dang. I suddenly remembered that I told him I've transferred school. why was I being such a dork??

Me: er yah... but you know, there're lots of projects and assignments to be handed in soon.

Elan: oh okay okay. I thought some guy is bothering you or something.

oh yes, and that guy is you, bugger!

Me: nah... everything's alright.

I tried to conceal the obvious mopiness in my voice and at the same time not letting the modulation in my voice reveal what an effort I was making to sound upbeat.

I think one of my weaknesses is that I am soft-hearted. I rather keep my thoughts to myself lest it will hurt others.

but nature has seen to it that when you are nice to people, they tend to take advantage. I can be nasty if I want to, but the feeling of sympathy/pity/tenderness will come back to me. eventually I'll end up leading the person on and in this case, Elan, no matter how hard I try to give him signs that I don't wish us to contact each other anymore.

it makes it even harder for me when the intended person fails to get my message. it's either that or he knows I'm reluctant but he can't bear to let me go. Elan is not the only guy though.

perhaps it's my fault that I've been leading these guys on. but it's just not ME to say "dude, I don't like you. this should end here." no. that's just not me. I can never do that. even if I have to say it, I would first search my vocabulary for positive words just so that the phrase can be put in the nicest way.

and what makes you think that's an easy task to handle?